My Saddest Experience

 I got my IUD taken out the end of January and I was able to get pregnant right away. However I sensed something was wrong with the pregnancy, I didn't get sick at all and I was feeling pretty good. And then at almost 10 weeks I started spotting and figured I had miscarried. Having never miscarried before I didn't know what to expect. So I figured the spotting was it. Then a couple of days later, Mandy was watching the kids and David and I went out on a date. We went to see a movie, Oz the Great and Powerful (I'll probably never forget that) during the movie I started cramping really badly and bleeding. When the show was over David dropped me off at home and went to get the kids. I curled up in bed in a lot of pain. I was bleeding and passing huge clots and it was pretty bad. It was just like being in labor with a full term baby, which still doesn't make sense to me since the baby could not have been bigger than an inch. The contractions were coming really close together and were really strong. At one point I decided I was ready for an epidural, which wasn't going to happen. Not to long after the contractions were at there strongest, I passed what looked like a perfectly formed placenta, super tiny probably only two inches long and I knew then that it was finally all over, that was about 2am and then after that the contractions died down and I was finally able to sleep. I don't think I properly mourned the loss when it first happened. I knew something was wrong with the pregnancy and expected that I might miscarry, so when I did I didn't properly mourn or realize how much it affected me until I got pregnant with Jaxley. Miscarrying is a horrible experience. What I realized through this experience is how strange it is that we wait until usually the 2nd trimester to announce a pregnancy to make sure everything is going well. But then when you miscarry before you tell anyone even though I know it makes no sense, I felt a sense of anger and resentment that no one was there to comfort me and mourn with me. And I hated that no one knew about this baby that I had already loved and attached myself too. And that no one was going to love this baby the way that I already did. I realized that I wanted the world to know about this baby, I didn't want this baby to be a painful secret kept between David and I. I wanted people to know there was a baby, we loved this baby and we lost this baby. My heart aches for anyone who goes through a miscarriage, its a horrible, painful, heart breaking experience. And as sad and awful as the experience was, at the same time I am grateful for the experience. I can know truly empathize with others and know of the very real pain that they experience. Before I felt bad and thought I understood how hard it must be, but once I actually experienced it, I now KNOW just how painful it is and I feel like I can help others better now because of the loss of an unborn baby.