My Saddest Experience

 I got my IUD taken out the end of January and I was able to get pregnant right away. However I sensed something was wrong with the pregnancy, I didn't get sick at all and I was feeling pretty good. And then at almost 10 weeks I started spotting and figured I had miscarried. Having never miscarried before I didn't know what to expect. So I figured the spotting was it. Then a couple of days later, Mandy was watching the kids and David and I went out on a date. We went to see a movie, Oz the Great and Powerful (I'll probably never forget that) during the movie I started cramping really badly and bleeding. When the show was over David dropped me off at home and went to get the kids. I curled up in bed in a lot of pain. I was bleeding and passing huge clots and it was pretty bad. It was just like being in labor with a full term baby, which still doesn't make sense to me since the baby could not have been bigger than an inch. The contractions were coming really close together and were really strong. At one point I decided I was ready for an epidural, which wasn't going to happen. Not to long after the contractions were at there strongest, I passed what looked like a perfectly formed placenta, super tiny probably only two inches long and I knew then that it was finally all over, that was about 2am and then after that the contractions died down and I was finally able to sleep. I don't think I properly mourned the loss when it first happened. I knew something was wrong with the pregnancy and expected that I might miscarry, so when I did I didn't properly mourn or realize how much it affected me until I got pregnant with Jaxley. Miscarrying is a horrible experience. What I realized through this experience is how strange it is that we wait until usually the 2nd trimester to announce a pregnancy to make sure everything is going well. But then when you miscarry before you tell anyone even though I know it makes no sense, I felt a sense of anger and resentment that no one was there to comfort me and mourn with me. And I hated that no one knew about this baby that I had already loved and attached myself too. And that no one was going to love this baby the way that I already did. I realized that I wanted the world to know about this baby, I didn't want this baby to be a painful secret kept between David and I. I wanted people to know there was a baby, we loved this baby and we lost this baby. My heart aches for anyone who goes through a miscarriage, its a horrible, painful, heart breaking experience. And as sad and awful as the experience was, at the same time I am grateful for the experience. I can know truly empathize with others and know of the very real pain that they experience. Before I felt bad and thought I understood how hard it must be, but once I actually experienced it, I now KNOW just how painful it is and I feel like I can help others better now because of the loss of an unborn baby.

There is a park right by our neighborhood that we decided to check out the other day. While we were walking around the pond I noticed a trail in the woods. So we decided to explore and there is just little trails that go through this wooden area in the park, so fun! We are loving Ohio, it still seems so surreal that we actually live here.

 

We have 34 trees in our yard. 34 HUGE trees in our yard. I never thought that after living in AZ and NV I would ever say anything such as, too many trees. Well folks it happened. Our yard is 3/4 an acre, put 34 large trees on that and you don't have much sunlight. I like sunlight, I live for sunlight. So eventually 12 of these trees will go. Enough to add sunlight to the yard, trust me there will still be plenty of shade and to remove two trees that are twice the height of our two story house and way to close and if a storm takes them out they will go right through the girls bedroom. Anyways when you have this many trees you really need some tree swings. So I quickly bought this yellow disc one. My kids love it. Such a new, fun experience for them to have a tree swing in their very own yard!

 

 

 

 

Residency requires so much time from David. After not having seen him for 6 weeks we were pretty excited to get to Ohio and have him back. But unfortunately his time his eaten up in his residency program. He is in the ER this month, and even when he is home he isn't really home. He spends hours and hours charting his patients. So the only "quality" time we get together is me sitting in the same room as him reading my book quietly. This is my view of our quality time together. 

I bought a tree swing for one of the many trees in our backyard and the kids and David were enjoying it one morning. Our new yard is kind of fabulous!!! 

And David found a black berry bush in the yard.

Fawn and Dave were SO great to drive our moving truck from Phoenix to Dayton for us. They left a couple days after mom and I did and arrived with our belongings two days after us. They got in at 10pm and our wonderful neighbors Mike and Brent and Downi Fish's boys helped us get it all unloaded that night, while David was working a 24 hour shift! Trisha even took my girls for me so they would stay out of the way. Fawn took the kids to the mall before she left to stock them up on pants for the coming Fall and Winter since they had none. We let the kids play at the mall for a few minutes and unfortunately these are the only two photos I got when Fawn and Dave were here. I am so grateful the drove the truck for us! I have amazing in-laws! 

We had stairs for the year that I was pregnant with Talli until she was four months old and then we moved. Dutch and Maylee were too little to appreciate the stairs then. Now they are old enough to truly appreciate stairs and pillow cases. Just keeping busy while I unpack the house!

Dutch has shared a bedroom since Maylee was 5 months old. He is so excited to finally have his very own room!